Swipe Left On Perfection

Strap in, we are about to do a deep dive into my most intimate thoughts. Not those kind, pervert, But intimate in a way that is deep, personal and goes beyond surface-level topics to share thoughts, emotions, and experiences. Think of it like shrinking a tiny bus down in size to take a trip inside my brain.

Gotta love a blog with a Magic School Bus reference right?

Navigating the world as an AuDHD individual can be a rollercoaster ride—one filled with unique challenges. Losing my keys and/or patience has been an example of one of those hardships, especially since I’ve made the choice to go at this part of my journey unmedicated and without other aids like marijuana to help me cope when I was stressed or burned out. It’s one of the most rewarding changes I have made and to be perfectly clear, I have no regrets at all as it’s done better for me than when I was using them consistently.

There’s also been unexpected lessons, and, occasionally, some humorous moments. Life isn’t all doom and gloom, though when you navigate the world with your depression glasses on, it can feel that way. And grief is a goblin that is sneaky. You don’t even realize it’s there a lot of the time. When we think of grief, we think of people dying. Finality. It’s so much more than that. It’s any loss. Loss of time. Loss of people. Loss of identity. Loss of pets. Loss of goals. I can’t say how thankful I am to not be in that situation anymore and I want to share how I Freddy Mercury’d my way to “break free”.

Today, I want to share my recent season of self-discovery, focusing on the importance of recognizing my worth and setting boundaries, especially in relationships, work, and personal development.

Trust Issues with Coaches

In April, I had decided to hire another coach. My last time doing so. This individual often preached the mantra “trust the process,” yet offered little transparency, which was the biggest red flag I know. It felt as if trust was wielded like a weapon—a way to make me doubt my instincts rather than empower them. He would say things that, frankly, missed the mark and sometimes felt downright ableist. Being direct and clear stating “I want to do the work of a contest prep and not focus on the posing portion” would be met with “what I think you’re saying is…..” and would give some round the way explanation of why I wanted to learn to love posing. Etc.

As someone who is also autistic, I have found the most helpful phrase I’ve learned recently to help combat this has been “(Please) Don’t hear what I didn’t say.”

What struck me most was my growing realization of what I truly wanted from my training and how crucial clear communication is in any relationship. I learned to not only voice my expectations but to listen to what my body was telling me. If I felt discomfort or tension during our sessions, I took that as a cue to reevaluate whether this relationship was serving me.

When I made the choice to fire him, it was a liberating moment—not only for my training but for my self-worth. It reinforced my understanding that I don’t have to settle for less than I deserve. Again, this all circles back to abundance. I learned that quitting something that doesn’t align with me paves the way for opportunities that do.

It became clear to me that if someone can’t engage in a meaningful dialogue, and is so commited to misunderstanding my CLEAR and direct wants and needs, especially when my money is paying for that, they don’t deserve a spot or any credit in my journey. So, I fired him, only for him to attempt to tell me “I don’t think I’m the coach for you” the next day. This incident taught me about rejection sensitivity, making me realize I had to detach my self-worth from others’ perceptions and their choices.

With trusting myself, I’ve made more progress in my goals than I was making in his programming. I made the right choice.

Standing Up for Myself at Work

Moving on to another significant aspect of my life: my job. I recently faced a tough situation and am no longer at a well-paying caretaking position due to mistreatment. Standing up for myself in the workplace was a revelation. It taught me about projections—when people say something negative about your character that simply isn’t true. In the past, I might have been scared of the outcome or worried about my next steps, but not anymore.

I learned that projecting confidence in myself is essential. I knew my skill set as a personal trainer and understood my worth as an individual. No job—even a well-paying one—was worth sacrificing my peace of mind. This journey taught me to tune into my body once again. A trait I learned only earlier in the year with awareness and a LOT of practice. The tightness in my chest when dealing with disrespect became a warning sign, nudging me toward a decision that aligned with my true self.

Being in that place of uncertainty was no longer terrifying. Rather freeing. Instead, I found clarity in knowing that the job market is vast, and I have the skills to thrive. Embracing the concept of abundance means recognizing that I have choices, and I don’t have to wait for validation from others. I’ve learned that trusting myself opens doors, even when some feel shut. It opened doors to opportunities that were truly aligned with who I am, and my passion to help others without taking on the responsibility of taking physical care of others, often before myself directly. Sometimes we must follow the trail of discomfort to find true fulfillment. And training has always been what lights me up. And makes a difference in my world as a person and the world of others.

“Coffee” Dates and Misunderstood Intentions

Let’s end things with a scene that many can relate to: a guy, seemingly kind, casually asks me to grab a coffee after a few scattered messages months apart. At first glance, it feels innocent—a lovely opportunity to connect over a warm cup. But let’s get real. Often, these invitations come packaged with unspoken assumptions. It’s like they believe that this chat could lead somewhere physical, like my apartment so “we can be alone for a few” as if that’s the only direction a connection can go. Immediate turn off. And I called it out, without hesitation.

Never will I be attracted to someone who comes on thick who doesn’t even have a name saved in my phone but is still rather a number because I’m unsure of your motives. Telling sign.

My Body is sacred. My love when offered is rare but special. And if it’s not intended to be a creation of partnership, kindly get the fuck out of my face. 😉

Scorpios truly are deeper than we seem. LEVELS and levels deeper. If I don’t reply to your text, you are probably blocked in all honesty from personal contact and am keeping a social media presence to you only. Doesn’t mean I hate you. Not at all. It means I am creating distance to what you are seeking that is vastly different from my wants and needs, or trust needs to be re-established. No games, only facts spoken.

These interactions have in the past taken a toll on my energy and emotional state. I’ve known what it has meant to think I’ve loved people many times in the past vs the real love Ive felt: to try my hardest, to grow, and keep understanding them, once. Even if it meant they were incapable of loving me back. That love will always be there. I simply love me more now. A love I admit I thought was there when I was learning to love them but discovered after was misguided. But also healed And now true. And because of that, I am thankful too.

Some folks never learn to truly love themselves. So I’m thankful it came when I needed it the most.

I learned that the act of setting boundaries isn’t just about keeping someone at arm’s length; it’s about recognizing what I’m comfortable with and believing in my worth. Listening to my body’s cues has been essential in navigating these situations. If I feel a knot in my stomach or tension creeping up my neck, that’s my intuition signaling me. It’s a reminder that I deserve connections that are genuine, where respect and mutual interest are at the forefront.

This realization has taught me to establish clearer boundaries. If someone I meet cannot respect my stance or misunderstands my openness, it’s not my fault. It’s about recognizing my value and what I want from each interaction. Reminder that Scorpios are KNOWN for being direct when they want a person and are sure about you. This man was wishful, lustful with nothing more to offer than a “dick in a box” so to speak, And not my type. I prefer someone who wants to touch my mind before they ever think about touching my body. And I’m not in a rush.

And in return, I’ve been graced with kind friends who value forming true platonic friendships with no expectations. And now being complimented as “sexy” for my heart and character rather than what they’re imaging under my dress gets my attention.

The Journey to Self-Love and Acceptance

Through these experiences, I learned to re-establish trust in my judgment and my own feelings. Initially, I would spiral into confusion, worrying about what others thought of me. However, as I began to cultivate self-compassion, I found that friendships and alone time became lifelines. Therapy, rather than the source of anxiety, became a space for growth and understanding. One that I’ve been able to graduate from, and handle life on my own where they are a phone call away if I need them. And we can check in every few months if needed to ensure I’m still navigating my path healthily in the right direction.

Instead of aiming for perfection, I learned that making mistakes is part of life. Embracing imperfection allowed me to release the fear of rejection and enabled me to focus on authentic connections, both with myself and others. The road to self-love is not smooth, but every twist and turn is a step forward.

I’m rather proud of my ability to do one thing I had never been able to do up until this point. Stay emotionally regulated. I may get emotional, but I now realize tears for me are an emotional pressure valve that offers me a release and no longer feel shame for such emotions. Scheduling rage time is also insanely helpful and timers are very much needed in conflict with others. And often now, I cry because I’m happy and cannot hold in my joy.

These experiences have shaped me significantly. I now understand that kindness should come with respect for boundaries, my own and others. I’ve learned to appreciate the value of self-worth, healing, and the beauty of pursuing abundance.

To anyone on a similar journey, remember: you are worthy of love, respect, and authenticity. Don’t settle for anything less. Rather than fear rejection, let it guide your growth. Life is too short to leak your energy into relationships or jobs that don’t serve you.

So What’s Next?

I’m making more true connections in the people I meet, organically, without forcing anything. The friendships I’ve made have been ones I am vastly proud of as well as my ability to walk away from other that were no longer healthy like my coach, my previous job, or made me or others question if they were appropriate.

If a compelling connection arises, I’m open to it—communication is key! However, I’ve learned an invaluable lesson: I will not wait for shut doors that others close. Instead, I focus on the wonderful choices available to me. If a door has been shut, it’s not my place to reopen it but rather their job to knock and come with a gift of honest communication if they have want to join my party.

I can only choose myself first.

In this job hunt, I now understand that having options is a blessing. And I was able to choose what aligns with my needs, as well as reaching for things I thought could be out of reach. I can truly celebrate the abundance of possibilities that life offers. This journey has led me to a powerful realization: I can set boundaries and still be compassionate. Saying no doesn’t make me a “bitch” as I always internally told myself. I can embrace abundance while expecting transparency and respect in my relationships.

In reflecting on all of this, I’m stronger and more self-aware than ever. It’s a continuous journey, but I don’t doubt my ability to navigate it with courage and authenticity. My intuition guides me, my body speaks to me, and I listen. I’m ready to walk through doors that lead to genuine connections and opportunities aligned with my true self.

All in all, I’ve been productive but the best lesson in all of it is to also take rest breaks, create, eat outside of my comfort food sometimes and pull an oracle card.